When Mercury Attacks!

MercuryRetrogradeCommunication breakdown
It’s always the same…
Having a nervous breakdown
Drive me insane…

Led Zeppelin, Communication Breakdown

As I headed home from school one afternoon earlier this week, which is about a 15-mile trek on the interstate, it wasn’t yet rush hour so traffic was flowing smoothly…at first. Gradually, I found myself having to reduce my speed, eventually coming to a stop behind a massive sea of brake lights. I’d get to travel about 20 feet at maybe 5mph, then have to stop again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat several times. Finally, I got to a vantage point where, if I squinted, I could see the cause of the holdup: about a quarter of a mile ahead in the median, I spied a fire engine, lights flashing, along with two highway patrol cruisers, lit up like Christmas. As I got closer, I noticed an SUV and a black sedan, also in the median, clearly having been involved in an accident that – thankfully — didn’t appear to have been too horrific. There was nothing actually blocking any of the lanes on the interstate; in fact, the entire fiasco was closer to the other side of the median. It became obvious that the holdup was thanks to lookie-loos who couldn’t resist slowing down, craning their necks to get a glimpse of the drama. As I drove past the accident scene, the speed of everyone on the interstate increased at least tenfold. Okay, cool. That’s over.

As I drove on, less than a mile down the interstate, what’s this? Another sea of brake lights ahead of me? Seriously?! Aargh…now what?

CartoonCrashThis time, on the right shoulder of the highway, there was a highway patrolman chatting with the drivers of two vehicles, one of which had evidently rear-ended the other (perhaps as the second guy was distracted as he was being a contortionist in order to see the previous accident? But I digress…) No injuries to speak of, not too much of a slowdown…okay, then…moving on.

Over the next four miles, I came upon yet two more accidents. Neither appeared to have been very serious, but they were enough to be at least a minor inconvenience for the rest of us, collectively slowing everyone down as we headed toward our respective destinations. Admittedly, I was glad I hadn’t been involved in any of those collisions, but it was frustrating nevertheless.

The following day, as I headed back on the same route toward school, I encountered not one, not two, but three separate Wiggumvehicles pulled over along a two-mile stretch of interstate. I have a lead foot, so at this point I breathed a better-them-than-me sigh of relief and resolved to keep an eye on my speed.

When I arrived at school and walked into the lab, it’s lights out and nobody home. I set my laptop and book bag on the table and headed out to see where everyone was. Turned out, my instructor had been involved in a minor fender-bender in the parking lot with a Civil War veteran who had come barreling through the parking lot at breakneck speed.

And all of the above was in a 24-hour period.

They are examples of what can happen…when Mercury attacks!

MeanMercury

This guy is gonna inconvenience us three times a year.

When Mercury is in retrograde, which occurs three times a year (and it is currently in retrograde from May 19th thru June 11th), we experience more than the usual issues in areas of our lives which are governed by Mercury: communication breaks down (think unusually bad cell service, texts/email not going through, calls going unreturned, misunderstandings, issues with the internet, misdirected snail-mail, etc.) and short trips (those not requiring an overnight stay) are more prone to trouble: fender-benders, full-on crashes, car trouble, running out of gas, you name it: if it involves a vehicle – particularly an automobile – it’s vulnerable to problems during a Mercury retrograde period — especially if Mercury or Saturn is in your Third House, like me (yay me, Saturn in Third!) Plans fall apart. Contracts can be iffy.

ComputerCrashYet, I assure you that despite these tri-annual annoyances, there are little common-sense things you can and should do to ensure you arrive on the other end of the Mercury retrograde with your sanity – and your life – intact. Actually, I hope these are things you’re doing all the time. Things like…

• Making sure you have plenty of gas. If there’s any question whatsoever that you might not have enough fuel to get to your destination, do not go until you fill ‘er up.
• Allowing additional travel time when heading to work, school, or appointments – anywhere you need to be at a certain time.
• Wearing your seatbelt. Even though you are wise to the havoc which Mercury can unleash upon the Earth (give yourself a pat on the back for me, Dear Follower), the idiot driver next to you might be clueless/not care/not believe in astrology/other/all of the above.Mercury Delays
• Watch how you drive (speed, signaling, lane-changing, etc.); you’re more likely to be pulled over and ticketed during this time.
• Is your car’s maintenance up-to-date? If not, you might want to look into taking care of any potential vehicle-crippling issues (preferably prior to a Mercury retrograde.)

MiscommunicationCartoon

Also…
• If at all possible, avoid entering into contracts during a Mercury retrograde.
• Communicate clearly to avoid hurt feelings over misunderstandings.
• Avoid making any major decisions during a Mercury retrograde.
• Plan ahead before the retrograde. Be prepared.
• Try not to blame everything negative that happens solely on the fact that Mercury is retrograde. For example, if you’re texting and driving, you’re more likely to cause an accident any time.

That said, a Mercury retrograde actually does have its benefits. One of these benefits is a particularly heightened sixth

2015 Mercury Retrograde Dates

2015 Mercury Retrograde Dates

sense (so pay attention to that intuition!) and take plenty of time to slow down and reflect. And around late August – early September, start preparing and brace yourself: Mercury will be retrograde for the third — and final — time in 2015 on September 17th thru October 9th.

LOL, OMG, ;) Hit Me Up, WTF?

“Can you send a nasty pic
So I can see right where it is
And I promise I won’t show my friends (yeah, right)
She replied, well okay, BTW by the way
SMH, it’s such a shame, that you ain’t learned a damn thing
Ha ha, OMG, LOL, KIT
Smiley faces, X and O’s, L, M, F-A-O.” ~ Ludacris, “Sexting”

As I slowly awaken from seven hours of alcohol-induced deeper-than-usual sleep, I’m torn between wanting to snuggle deeper into my warm, toasty comforter, and throwing off my blanket to make the 20 foot trek to the bathroom. In a futile attempt at procrastination, I reach for my cell phone, eyes crusty and still sleepy, to check for any missed calls or texts. Nope, nothin’. Sigh…

I begin scrolling through already-received text messages. As I read, I’m confused for about two seconds… wondering what so-and-so meant when they said this or that; to what were they replying? With sudden clarity, it hits me: I was drunk-texting last night. Please don’t let there be anything too stupid, please don’t let there be anything too stupid, I silently repeat as I open my sent messages folder. But I don’t see any sent messages from last night; I must not have saved them when I sent them. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I want to know what I said while under the influence, but at the same time, I’m afraid to know. I’m mouthy enough when I’m sober. But put a little alcohol in my system and all bets are off. I really should just surrender my phone to someone when I drink but even if I did, I’d probably wear down the unfortunate soul with my incessant nagging until they relented and ended up chunking it at my head in frustration.

It’s not that I text anything terrible when I’ve been drinking. On the contrary, I’m a “happy drunk.” Drunk Jen loves nothing more than to hug everyone within arm’s reach and tell them (repeatedly) how awesome they are. On the flip side, however, a heavy Gemini influence in my chart (Venus, Mars, and Saturn in Gemini) coupled with an equally communicative Aquarius Moon endows me with the tendency to be quite chatty. This is evident in sobriety and amplified exponentially when I’m intoxicated.

“Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
I didn’t mean to call you that
I can’t remember what was said or what you threw at me
Please tell me, please tell me why
My car is in the front yard and I’m
Sleepin’ with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you’re gone…gone.” ~ Lit, “My Own Worst Enemy”

A quick glance through my inbox today, for example, clearly reveals that I was feeling saucy enough to hit up my ex-Cancer cusp longtime boyfriend. Judging by his responses, which were friendly and – thank Christ – understanding, he didn’t mind too much. One reply stated: “Haha! Gud luc. Asprin, caffine, watr” [sic], which likely refers to something I babbled regarding the fact that I’d probably regret all this in the morning. Another read: “No biggie. Its me. Membr me? U took pics a me” [sic]. I do vaguely remember texting something about my Leo girlfriend taking pictures of me puking in her front yard when I was trashed last Saturday night. And he’s referring to the particularly nasty period at the end of our eight-year relationship when he was passed out on the bathroom floor after knocking out a 30-pack of Natural Light. I’m ashamed of it now, but I uploaded that picture to Facebook faster than you can say “tag.” He didn’t, and doesn’t, have a Facebook account, but I posted it in a misguided need for validation as well as sympathy; I wanted people to see that image of him sprawled across the linoleum, shake their heads, and say, “Wow…look what she has to put up with, he is a worthless drunk!” And express opinions they did; I received several comments to that effect. However, his former cousin in-law – another sensitive, loyal Cancerian who was a mutual friend – commented that although she loved me, she also loved her cousin and she didn’t appreciate seeing him being unfairly flogged online for all the Land of Facebook  to see. Stubborn Aries that I am, I grudgingly took it down, not because she was offended (I unfriended her after that; there was an obvious conflict of interest now that he and I were going through a breakup), but also because – deep breath – I knew it was wrong. (That’s right, I admit it.)

Additionally, I have a foggy recollection of firing off several texts to my Aquarian tree friend while in the midst of my drunken stupor. Because I failed to save my sent texts, I’m not sure exactly what I was rambling about (again, maybe that’s a good thing), but I vaguely remember drunkenly lamenting my lost relationship and requesting his infinite Water Bearer wisdom: should I wait and hope my estranged Cancer cusp someday wants to try again, or should I stop looking back and move on? Why I would ask for his advice on the matter, I have no idea because I already know what he would tell me, which is what most sane folks would suggest: to let it go, it’s in the past. Come to think of it, I also asked the Aquarius to please not ignore me and told him that I needed a friend…and what do you know; after looking through my inbox, I see he never replied. (Note to self: pick bone with Aquarian hippie about willfully neglecting to comfort a [drunk] friend in need!)

“And now we lookin’ like pimps
In my gold Trans-Am
Got a water bottle full of whiskey
In my handbag
Got my drunk text on
I’ll regret it in the mornin’
But tonight I don’t give a…I don’t give a…I don’t give a.” ~ Ke$ha, “Take It Off”

It would be incredibly helpful to have some kind of app that prompts you before sending a text message, “Are you sure you won’t regret this in the morning?” Better still, how about a device built in to the phone which requires you to blow into it for a BAC reading prior to sending, and if it registers more than, say, the legal limit, your phone automatically shuts down. (I should patent that; I could be a millionaire, folks!)

Even with all that, I have good reason to be proud of myself. After all, it could have been much worse. There’s a saying that goes, “Drunkenness reveals what sobriety conceals.” At least I hadn’t blathered incoherently to the ex about how I love and miss him and wish we could somehow manage to repair the damage and work things out. I also hadn’t drunk-texted (or sexted) any prior hookups or – perhaps more disturbing – any hookups I would like to have.

Oh, yeah. It could have been infinitely worse.

Astrology’s Greatest Hits: Volume I

Still searching for the perfect words to express your devotion (or apathy) to your betrothed? Oh, we’ve all been there, haven’t we! Music has a way of speaking for us when we seem unable to articulate our deepest feelings.

What follows is a musical sampling by astrological sign; zodiacal theme songs, if you will . These lyrics are ones you might expect to hear from your limelight-loving Leo, or perhaps they are ones better suited for you to dedicate to your commitment-phobe Sagittarian love interest. Or whatever their sign might be. Enjoy!

Aries“Girlfriend,” Avril Lavigne

Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend
No way, no way, I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend
Don’t pretend, I think you know I’m precious
And hell yeah, I’m a motherfucking princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right
She’s like so whatever, you could do so much better
I think we should get together now.”

This is a no-brainer. Notoriously headstrong and impatient, Aries is like a bull in a china shop when it comes to going after what or who they want. The bigger the challenge, the greater the attraction for the Ram. After all, you can’t live without Aries, you just don’t know it yet. That’s okay though, because the important thing is Aries knows it, and they will relentlessly chase you down and beat you over the head with their feisty charm until you surrender.

Taurus – “Livin’ On A Prayer,” Bon Jovi

She says we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love, we’ll give it a shot
Whoa, we’re halfway there; whoa, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand; we’ll make it, I swear; whoa, livin’ on a prayer.”

Stable, committed Taurus will gladly do whatever it takes to help you attain your goals. Supporting you, standing by your side at all costs, Taurus always has your back. You would be hard-pressed to find a more devoted partner to have in your corner than a Bull.

Gemini – “Don’t Cha,” Pussycat Dolls

“I know you like me, I know you do
That’s why whenever I come around she’s all over you
I know you want it, it’s easy to see
And in the back of your mind, I know you should be on with me
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don’t cha? Don’t cha?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don’t cha? Don’t cha?
…Let’s keep it friendly, you have to play fair
See I don’t care, but I know she ain’t gonna wanna share.”

Flirty Gemini loves few things more than to playfully tease the opposite sex. This detached air sign frequently has more than one amour at a time, and they won’t even glance at, or care much about, your “in a relationship” Facebook status. This is not meant to imply the Twins are incapable of commitment and fidelity; it’s just that they take it a bit less seriously than most.

Cancer – “I Can’t Let Go,” Mariah Carey

 “Just cast aside, you don’t even know I’m alive
You just walk on by, don’t care to see me cry
Here I am, still holding on
I can’t accept my world is gone, no, no
Even though I try, I can’t let go
‘Cause something in your eyes captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You’re all I love, I can’t let go.”

Cancer is one of the most sentimental signs in the zodiac. The Crab wants to hold on to anyone who was ever a part of their life – i.e., friends, former love interests. Even if they are no longer in touch with someone, they are still either unable or unwilling to completely let go. You thought it was over long ago with your ex-Cancer? Think again. Maybe it was for you, but rest assured, you are still very much a presence in their memory.

Leo – “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas

“I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily
They treat me really nicely, they buy me all these ices
Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and that Donna
Karan, they be sharin’ all their money got me wearin’ fly
Brother I ain’t askin, they say they love my ass ‘n
Seven Jeans, True Religions; I say no, but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’ and no I ain’t taken
We can keep on datin’, I keep on demonstratin’ my love
My love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps
My hump, my hump, my hump
My humps they got you
She’s got me spendin’
Ooh, spendin’ all your money on me and spendin’ time on me.”

Leo doesn’t question their worth for a second. Oozing with pride and enviably self-assured, you can feel the instant shift in the atmosphere of a room the moment a Lion makes their entrance. They believe – wait; they know –  they are entitled to nothing less than the very best, not only in possessions, but in a lover. They aren’t the least bit concerned that they might not be good enough for you (that’s preposterous!) Leo’s only question is, are you good enough for them?

Virgo – “I Wanna Grow Old With You,” Adam Sandler

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I’ll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold
Need you, feed you, even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.”

As nitpicky and critical as Virgo can be, deep down, they are actually caring nurturers who are happy to cater to the whims of their lover. They thrive as caregivers because it makes them feel needed…and Virgo needs to be needed.

Libra – “Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away),” Motley Crue

That’s alright, that’s okay
We were two kids in love trying to find our way
That’s alright, that’s okay
Held our dreams in our hands, let our minds run away
That’s alright, that’s okay
We were walkin’ through some youth, smilin’ through some pain
That’s alright, let’s turn the page
And remember what I say girl, and it goes this way:
Girl, don’t go away mad…just go away.”

Libra bristles at the mere thought of conflict. The sign of balance, this detached air sign wonders “why can’t we all just get along?” Personal freedom is priceless to a Libran (though even more so to Aquarius), and any attempt to stifle their wanderlust will only serve to push them away. They don’t want to argue and they can’t understand why you do. Peace.

Scorpio – “#1 Crush,” Garbage

I would die for you, I would die for you
I’ve been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you’re mine…
See your face every place that I’m walkin’
Hear your voice everytime that I’m talkin’
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored.
I will burn for you, feel pain for you
I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart
I will lie for you, beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You’re just like me.”

The official stalker song of Generation X (with the possible exception of The Police’s smash 1983 hit, Every Breath You Take.) If an enamored Scorpion has you in their sights (or, perhaps more disturbingly, their crosshairs), hopefully the feeling is mutual. Scorpio passionately wants to possess a lover, demanding unconditional devotion…or else. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sagittarius – “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad,” Meat Loaf

I can’t lie, I can’t tell you that I’m something I’m not
No matter how I try I’ll never be able to give you something
Something that I just haven’t got
I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you)
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad (don’t be sad)
‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad.”

It’s difficult for an Archer to settle down in domestic bliss. While they have a somewhat well-deserved reputation for being incurable philanderers, they are quite capable of commitment when they find right person. But if they don’t sense you are that special someone they’ve been searching for, not only will they make it crystal clear with brutal honesty (ouch), but the odds of convincing them otherwise are slim to none. And you’ll soon come to the painful realization that the harder you struggle to fence in a Sadge, the faster their beeline toward the exit.

Capricorn – “(I Hate) Everything About You,” Ugly Kid Joe

“I hate the rain and sunny weather
And I…I hate the beach and mountains too, boo hoo
And I don’t like a thing about the city, no, no
And I, I, I hate the countryside too
And I hate everything about you.”

With a chronic case of COS (chip on shoulder), the Goat is notorious for hobbies including, but not limited to, fault-finding, incessant complaining, and wondering why the majority of Earth’s population (basically, everyone except him) are imbeciles. While this description could also apply verbatim to Virgo, Capricorn has the edge due to a moodier disposition. On the other hand, this doesn’t mean Cappy is a raging a-hole who stalks around in a huff day in and day out. True, they are prone to sour moods and he isn’t the most pleasant person to be in the company of during those times. But when the storm clouds pass, the Goat is a reliable, down-to-earth partner you can always count on.

Aquarius – “Lithium,” Nirvana

I’m so happy ’cause today I found my friends…
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, that’s okay ’cause so are you…
We broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care
I’m not scared
Light my candles, in a daze ’cause I found God.”

The Water Bearer is by far the most eccentric sign in the zodiac. Easily distracted and somewhat ambivalent, they refuse to be caged into domesticity. Aquarius is a marginally crazy, quirky intellectual who has the capability to commit but doesn’t make it the be all/end all of its existence. Friendships are a priority for this humanitarian, and any attempt to force a Water Bearer to sever those treasured ties is strongly discouraged.

Pisces – “Lovefool,” The Cardigans

“I don’t care if you really care
As long as you don’t go
So I cry, I pray, and I beg…
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me.”

Break out the rose-colored glasses. That is the manner in which dreamy Pisces prefers to view the world. They are masters of seeing and hearing only what they want to see and hear. This overly-sensitive water sign needs constant reassurance of your undying love and affection. What’s that you say; you don’t feel any love or affection for Pisces? Not a problem. They are perfectly content for you to tell them what they want to hear, even if it’s complete fiction.

Pomp and Circumstance: Who’s Who in the Zodiac Yearbook

In the tradition of high school yearbooks that name students as being “most likely to…”, I present to you my Zodiac Yearbook. Enjoy!

Most Likely to Struggle with a Drug or Alcohol Addiction – Pisces   Pisceans, who by nature are sentimental, dreamy poets, are also the most likely to suffer from depression (though Cancer runs a close second). Pisces also prefers to view the world through rose-colored glasses, seeing only what they want to see. Drugs and/or alcohol further enable their denial of Real Life. It’s noteworthy that the sign most likely to commit suicide is…you guessed it: Pisces. (A near tie/close second: Cancer.)

Most Likely to Drink Straight from the Milk Carton – Aries  If you see a notoriously impatient Ram barrelling in your general direction (they’re quick so it might be a blur), get out of the way. Fast. These folks simply cannot grasp the concept of slow and steady winning the race. In fact, so much so that why on God’s green earth would they dream of wasting up to 45 whole seconds to take a cup out of the cabinet, pour the milk, drink it, put the carton back in the fridge, and take the empty cup to the sink, when they could simply fling open the refrigerator door, remove the cap from the milk carton, take a long, healthy swig, replace the cap, and stick the carton back in the fridge, in seven seconds flat? (And in case you’re wondering, as an Aries, yes…I plead guilty to this offense.)

Most Likely to Be Spotted Roaming the Video Store for an Hour, Trying to Decide What to Rent – Libra  It must be sheer hell inside the vacillating mind of a Libra. The example that comes to mind is on a Family Guy episode in which we see Peter agonizing over which DVD to rent: “Ernest Goes to the Beach” or “Ernest Doesn’t Go to the Beach.” It is also ill advised to ask a Libra “paper or plastic?” or “soup or salad?” It’s torturous for them to decide, and even more so for you to watch.

Most Likely to Adopt Every Stray Animal in the Neighborhood – Cancer   That homeless mutt or fluffy feline seeking food and/or shelter has hit the motherload by appearing at Cancer’s door. Sensitive, tenderhearted, nurturing Cancer simply cannot say no to an animal. What; Cancer already has 26 dogs, 14 cats, 2 parakeets, an aquarium teeming with marine life, and a hamster or two (or three or four)? Oh what the hell, come on in anyway, lucky stray! Cancer will hook you up!

Most Likely to Become a Serial Killer – Capricorn   The moody, methodical, perservering Goat has just what it takes to pull off multiple homicides. Patience is one of their virtues, and we all know, courtesy of just about any of the gazillion forensics shows on TV on a daily basis, a serial killer trips himself up when he’s rushed and unorganized. Patient, plodding, and meticulously organized, Capricorn easily qualifies for an OCD diagnosis and the highest daily dose of Prozac known to man. Cappy has no qualms about waiting as long as necessary, biding his time until the moment is exactly right for his next “project.” He’s a dyed-in-the-wool perfectionist and will double-, triple-, and quadruple-check his “work,” leaving no stone unturned to ensure lack of evidence. Who runs a close second to this murderous Goat? Virgo.

Most Likely to Be Murdered – Virgo   If you have a Virgo in your life (my condolences), you probably chuckled at Virgo winning this honor. I mean, really; nag, complain, criticize, piss, moan, bitch. What were you thinking, doing it your way, silly Normal Person, when of course, everyone knows that Virgo knows best. And one of responsible, critical Virgo’s favorite pasttimes is to itemize a list of all your faults with explicit instructions on how to rid yourself of those unbecoming behaviors so that you, too, can bask in the same light of perfection as the Virgo who made the damn list, followed by another list (both lists in alphabetical order, of course) of things you should have done differently (read: done the Virgo Way). But Virgo has unreasonably high standards, so you will find it nearly impossible to ever be up to par in their eyes. The irony here is that Virgo truly believes that by picking apart everything you accomplish like a vulture on roadkill (as in “oh, that’s great! But if you’d done ____ instead, it woulda been better”), it is rarely because they’re a pompous ass: Virgo honestly feels that by pointing out every tiny mistake you make, or dictating how you should undertake a task (which, of course, is how they would do it), they (usually) are simply trying to help you. Nevertheless, when you find yourself on the torturous receiving end of one of Virgo’s “you shoulda done this/ you coulda done that/ if you woulda done this” lectures for about the 900th time, you start losing your mind and eventually come to realize the only real solution is to murder the damn Virgo, which you’ll probably be provoked to do with the closest blunt object within reach, in the midst of one of their long-winded, here’s-how-you-can-be-as-spectacular-as-I sermons, in your understandable heat-of-the-moment fury. Not to worry, however: if any of the jurors in your murder trial has ever had to deal with a Virgo, a verdict of  justifiable homicide is all but inevitable.

Most Likely to Sabotage a Beauty Pageant to Work In Their Favor – Leo   Is an explanation for this one even necessary? We’re talking about an egomaniacal, limelight-hoarding, thunder-stealing Lion who absolutely must be numero uno at all costs, and anything less is unacceptable. Leo is in it to win it and will exercise any measure to achieve victory…and so what if it’s a little shady? In Leo’s eyes, they deserve to win anyway; rigging a beauty pageant (or any contest, for that matter) is simply a little ego insurance…besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little harmless ballot tampering, right? Right

Most Likely to Boil Your Bunny – Scorpio    You finally mustered up the nerve to have the “we need to talk” talk with the Scorpion you’ve been dating  – and wow! – it went really well! You had fully expected your Scorpio to throw a tantrum the likes of which a breakup has never before seen, but to your amazement, she/he is surprisingly agreeable when you sheepishly confess that it “just isn’t working out” and even when you topped it off with that nauseating “it’s-not-you-it’s-me” cliché (it really was them). As the two of you exchange a half-hearted hug, smile, and wish one another well, you’re beyond relieved that your ex-Scorpion took it so well. “That wasn’t bad at all; I don’t know why I was so worried!” you chuckle to yourself as you ride off into the sunset to begin anew, sans Scorpion. Several months pass. Every aspect of your life is going b-e-a-utifully. But lately, you seem to have stumbled into a series of unfortunate events. First it’s your car. You might be tempted to chalk the four slashed tires, the sugar in your gas tank, or the sudden brake failure which sends you careening downhill toward a dense tree row, up to coincidence or bad luck. But shortly thereafter, you just can’t shake the nagging feeling that your coworkers…and your friends…(and your grandmother…and your pastor…and your cat) are snickering behind your back. (You’re actually quite astute; after all, that Photoshopped picture of “you” that has found its way into mass email circulation performing, um, questionable acts with a flaming drag queen is hilarious.) But coming home to find a jack-o-lantern on your front porch with an 8-inch butcher knife stuck in the side of its head with a note attached that says “YOU” – now, that crosses the line. What the deuce could you have ever done to deserve any of this? Ohhhh, that’s right…you made the fatal mistake of breaking off a relationship with a Scorpio. But wait, didn’t you only date for three weeks, eight months ago? Doesn’t matter. It’s a capital offense which, in the mind of a Scorpion, calls for nothing less than cruel and unusual punishment.

Most Likely to Join a Cult – Cancer  Oh good lord, this guy again. Where to begin? Cults seek out impressionable, needy folks who are sensitive and frequently vulnerable. Everything a cult leader could possibly desire in a follower is neatly wrapped in an elegant Crab package, complete with a big, bright bow on top.  Generally, Cancer doesn’t mind being led. They are loyal beyond question, and just passive enough to be ripe for the cult leader’s picking. Even better: they are extremely family-oriented so they will be sure to bring at least two generations from the Crab family tree along with them when they relocate to your cult compound.

Most Likely to Be a Cult Leader – Aquarius   With their eccentricity and forward-thinking ways, Water Bearers make ideal cult leaders. Vulnerable folks desperate for acceptance will find it here, because Aquarius is easily the most tolerant, accepting soul in all of the Land of Zodiac. They’re also uncannily magnetic and, with one well-timed, witty remark, they’ll charm the pants right off of you faster than you can say Waco. Now that Aquarius has convinced you that he is the god (or devil) incarnate, you’re in his clutches and now he can start filling the heads of his eager yes-men and women with whatever pseudoreligious/commie /Nazi/government-overthrowing propaganda or soon-to-come Helter Skelter-esque uprising he has brewing in his mad scientist-like mind, convincing every poor sap who was suckered in by his charm, wit, and intellect that he has all the answers to every question you’ve ever had. So come on, what are you waiting for? Change into the standard blue jogging suit and Nikes that were issued to you upon arrival, then please feel free to help yourself to some of the delicious punch in the big bowl over on the table!

Most Likely to Make Late-Night Purchases on QVC – Taurus   A Bull is a sucker for any gadget they believe will make life easier. Just take a gander inside their kitchen cabinets (when no one is around to catch you, of course; Taurus has a routine and may God have mercy on your disorganized soul should you put something back in the wrong place). You’ll probably find a Chop Wizard alongside an Egg Genie, Ronco Food Dehydrator, the Baconator, Ronco Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ, pretty much any gadget labeled “The Ronco,”  and no Taurean kitchen is complete without a mini-cupcake maker (because haven’t we all found ourselves lamenting on numerous culinary occasions, “If only there was a way to make tiny cupcakes!”) If the product advertisement boasts “only x number of payments of $19.95” and/or “but wait; there’s MORE!” you can rest assured a Taurus will snatch it up.

Most Likely to Cheat on Their Significant Other – Sagittarius   Let’s cut right to the chase: Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter (planet of luck and abundance), is a freedom-loving sign. Jupiter’s influence amplifies that love of/need for freedom exponentially. The quickest way to drive a Sadge out of your house and into the arms of another is to make an ill-advised attempt to control them or launch into a jealous tirade. The Archer tends to take love and fidelity somewhat lightly. This is not to say that every Sadge on Planet Earth has cheated, is currently cheating, or is destined to be a philandering adulterer/adulteress. All it means is that, by nature, a Sadge is particularly predisposed to be a carrier of the zodiac cheating gene.

Most Likely to Lie to You – Libra   No one likes a liar. But when Libra feeds you a line of crap, it’s usually not with malicious intent. Libra represents fairness, equality, justice. Let’s say you are friends with a Libra, and your Libra buddy has another friend with whom you don’t happen to get along too well. One day, you and Libra are chatting and you launch into a litany of things that you abhor about Other Friend. Libra not only agrees with your observations and takes your side in the dispute, but also contributes a few snide comments herself. Meanwhile, back at the ranch the next day, Libra is having a convo with Other Friend, who begins to rant to Libra about the umpteen things they hate about you…only this time, Libra sides with Other Friend, chiming in with a rundown of your shortcomings – and wait, what’s this? – Libra and Other Friend are having nearly an identical conversation as the one you just had with Libra a few days ago. While you would be well within your rights to feel betrayed, there’s more to it than that. Libra isn’t two-faced in a malicious way. Libra simply dislikes confrontation and wants everyone to be happy. Libra wants and needs balance (it’s the sign of the Scales). Therefore, in the interest of serenity and never wishing to cause a scene, Libra will simply tell everyone what she thinks they want to hear.

Most Likely to Start an Extensive Home Remodeling Project and Never Finish – Gemini   These scatterbrained, hyperactive twins love to be busy, busy, busy. And they’re easily distracted. (Oooh, shiny red ball!) They flit around to and fro, project to project, abandoning one for another as soon as they sense the first painful twinges of boredom, but in the end, most of what they start never really gets completed…unless the poor soul who is their significant other lets out a long sigh, as if to say “oh, great; another half-assed Gemini undertaking I’m stuck finishing. Again.”

In closing, on this day I say to all zodiac signs: you’re not a slave to your Sun sign, or even your natal chart, for that matter. These traits are only tendencies, based on your Sun sign. You’re not at the mercy of being born under a bad sign. Whatever quirk your Sun sign predisposes you to you that you dislike, you have the power to change it. So go out into the world with your held held high, and be the very best Aries / Taurus / Gemini / Cancer /  Leo / Virgo  / Libra / Scorpio /  Sagittarius / Capricorn / Aquarius /Pisces that you can be. Godspeed! Continue reading