Astrology’s Greatest Hits: Volume I

Still searching for the perfect words to express your devotion (or apathy) to your betrothed? Oh, we’ve all been there, haven’t we! Music has a way of speaking for us when we seem unable to articulate our deepest feelings.

What follows is a musical sampling by astrological sign; zodiacal theme songs, if you will . These lyrics are ones you might expect to hear from your limelight-loving Leo, or perhaps they are ones better suited for you to dedicate to your commitment-phobe Sagittarian love interest. Or whatever their sign might be. Enjoy!

Aries“Girlfriend,” Avril Lavigne

Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend
No way, no way, I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend
Don’t pretend, I think you know I’m precious
And hell yeah, I’m a motherfucking princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right
She’s like so whatever, you could do so much better
I think we should get together now.”

This is a no-brainer. Notoriously headstrong and impatient, Aries is like a bull in a china shop when it comes to going after what or who they want. The bigger the challenge, the greater the attraction for the Ram. After all, you can’t live without Aries, you just don’t know it yet. That’s okay though, because the important thing is Aries knows it, and they will relentlessly chase you down and beat you over the head with their feisty charm until you surrender.

Taurus – “Livin’ On A Prayer,” Bon Jovi

She says we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love, we’ll give it a shot
Whoa, we’re halfway there; whoa, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand; we’ll make it, I swear; whoa, livin’ on a prayer.”

Stable, committed Taurus will gladly do whatever it takes to help you attain your goals. Supporting you, standing by your side at all costs, Taurus always has your back. You would be hard-pressed to find a more devoted partner to have in your corner than a Bull.

Gemini – “Don’t Cha,” Pussycat Dolls

“I know you like me, I know you do
That’s why whenever I come around she’s all over you
I know you want it, it’s easy to see
And in the back of your mind, I know you should be on with me
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don’t cha? Don’t cha?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don’t cha? Don’t cha?
…Let’s keep it friendly, you have to play fair
See I don’t care, but I know she ain’t gonna wanna share.”

Flirty Gemini loves few things more than to playfully tease the opposite sex. This detached air sign frequently has more than one amour at a time, and they won’t even glance at, or care much about, your “in a relationship” Facebook status. This is not meant to imply the Twins are incapable of commitment and fidelity; it’s just that they take it a bit less seriously than most.

Cancer – “I Can’t Let Go,” Mariah Carey

 “Just cast aside, you don’t even know I’m alive
You just walk on by, don’t care to see me cry
Here I am, still holding on
I can’t accept my world is gone, no, no
Even though I try, I can’t let go
‘Cause something in your eyes captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You’re all I love, I can’t let go.”

Cancer is one of the most sentimental signs in the zodiac. The Crab wants to hold on to anyone who was ever a part of their life – i.e., friends, former love interests. Even if they are no longer in touch with someone, they are still either unable or unwilling to completely let go. You thought it was over long ago with your ex-Cancer? Think again. Maybe it was for you, but rest assured, you are still very much a presence in their memory.

Leo – “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas

“I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily
They treat me really nicely, they buy me all these ices
Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and that Donna
Karan, they be sharin’ all their money got me wearin’ fly
Brother I ain’t askin, they say they love my ass ‘n
Seven Jeans, True Religions; I say no, but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’ and no I ain’t taken
We can keep on datin’, I keep on demonstratin’ my love
My love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps
My hump, my hump, my hump
My humps they got you
She’s got me spendin’
Ooh, spendin’ all your money on me and spendin’ time on me.”

Leo doesn’t question their worth for a second. Oozing with pride and enviably self-assured, you can feel the instant shift in the atmosphere of a room the moment a Lion makes their entrance. They believe – wait; they know –  they are entitled to nothing less than the very best, not only in possessions, but in a lover. They aren’t the least bit concerned that they might not be good enough for you (that’s preposterous!) Leo’s only question is, are you good enough for them?

Virgo – “I Wanna Grow Old With You,” Adam Sandler

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I’ll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold
Need you, feed you, even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.”

As nitpicky and critical as Virgo can be, deep down, they are actually caring nurturers who are happy to cater to the whims of their lover. They thrive as caregivers because it makes them feel needed…and Virgo needs to be needed.

Libra – “Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away),” Motley Crue

That’s alright, that’s okay
We were two kids in love trying to find our way
That’s alright, that’s okay
Held our dreams in our hands, let our minds run away
That’s alright, that’s okay
We were walkin’ through some youth, smilin’ through some pain
That’s alright, let’s turn the page
And remember what I say girl, and it goes this way:
Girl, don’t go away mad…just go away.”

Libra bristles at the mere thought of conflict. The sign of balance, this detached air sign wonders “why can’t we all just get along?” Personal freedom is priceless to a Libran (though even more so to Aquarius), and any attempt to stifle their wanderlust will only serve to push them away. They don’t want to argue and they can’t understand why you do. Peace.

Scorpio – “#1 Crush,” Garbage

I would die for you, I would die for you
I’ve been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you’re mine…
See your face every place that I’m walkin’
Hear your voice everytime that I’m talkin’
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored.
I will burn for you, feel pain for you
I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart
I will lie for you, beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You’re just like me.”

The official stalker song of Generation X (with the possible exception of The Police’s smash 1983 hit, Every Breath You Take.) If an enamored Scorpion has you in their sights (or, perhaps more disturbingly, their crosshairs), hopefully the feeling is mutual. Scorpio passionately wants to possess a lover, demanding unconditional devotion…or else. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sagittarius – “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad,” Meat Loaf

I can’t lie, I can’t tell you that I’m something I’m not
No matter how I try I’ll never be able to give you something
Something that I just haven’t got
I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you)
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad (don’t be sad)
‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad.”

It’s difficult for an Archer to settle down in domestic bliss. While they have a somewhat well-deserved reputation for being incurable philanderers, they are quite capable of commitment when they find right person. But if they don’t sense you are that special someone they’ve been searching for, not only will they make it crystal clear with brutal honesty (ouch), but the odds of convincing them otherwise are slim to none. And you’ll soon come to the painful realization that the harder you struggle to fence in a Sadge, the faster their beeline toward the exit.

Capricorn – “(I Hate) Everything About You,” Ugly Kid Joe

“I hate the rain and sunny weather
And I…I hate the beach and mountains too, boo hoo
And I don’t like a thing about the city, no, no
And I, I, I hate the countryside too
And I hate everything about you.”

With a chronic case of COS (chip on shoulder), the Goat is notorious for hobbies including, but not limited to, fault-finding, incessant complaining, and wondering why the majority of Earth’s population (basically, everyone except him) are imbeciles. While this description could also apply verbatim to Virgo, Capricorn has the edge due to a moodier disposition. On the other hand, this doesn’t mean Cappy is a raging a-hole who stalks around in a huff day in and day out. True, they are prone to sour moods and he isn’t the most pleasant person to be in the company of during those times. But when the storm clouds pass, the Goat is a reliable, down-to-earth partner you can always count on.

Aquarius – “Lithium,” Nirvana

I’m so happy ’cause today I found my friends…
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, that’s okay ’cause so are you…
We broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care
I’m not scared
Light my candles, in a daze ’cause I found God.”

The Water Bearer is by far the most eccentric sign in the zodiac. Easily distracted and somewhat ambivalent, they refuse to be caged into domesticity. Aquarius is a marginally crazy, quirky intellectual who has the capability to commit but doesn’t make it the be all/end all of its existence. Friendships are a priority for this humanitarian, and any attempt to force a Water Bearer to sever those treasured ties is strongly discouraged.

Pisces – “Lovefool,” The Cardigans

“I don’t care if you really care
As long as you don’t go
So I cry, I pray, and I beg…
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me.”

Break out the rose-colored glasses. That is the manner in which dreamy Pisces prefers to view the world. They are masters of seeing and hearing only what they want to see and hear. This overly-sensitive water sign needs constant reassurance of your undying love and affection. What’s that you say; you don’t feel any love or affection for Pisces? Not a problem. They are perfectly content for you to tell them what they want to hear, even if it’s complete fiction.

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