“…I haven’t felt like this in so long
Wrong, in a sense too far gone from love
That don’t last forever
Something’s gotta turn out right.” ~ “Got Me Wrong,” Alice In Chains
The pull I felt toward Kansas was incredibly powerful. So strong, in fact, that it made each additional day I spent living in Arkansas absolutely torturous. I had an overwhelming desire/need to go back to Kansas. It was clearly my intuition at work, like a toddler I couldn’t ignore, tugging on my sleeve for attention, so I listened and I went, no questions asked. I already intuitively knew the answers anyway.
But as we all know life tends to do from time to time, it threw a wrench into those plans. On our way back to Kansas, at my mom’s insistence, my Taurus kiddo and I spent a few weeks staying at her house north of El Reno, Oklahoma before we headed north to Kansas permanently (or so we thought.)
The thing was, however, as each day of my “temporary” stay in Oklahoma passed, I began to feel a different pull. I felt like I wanted (needed?) to just set up camp right where I was…in Oklahoma. Nevertheless, I ignored my intuition and we ventured on up to Kansas after two weeks, shushing that little inner voice that wanted us to stay in Oklahoma. And sure enough, that nagging toddler was back with a vengeance, tugging on my sleeve for attention. Only this time it seemed to shout “OKLAHOMA!”
So today, here I sit at home in Oklahoma: my motherland (if you wanna be all poetic about it.) Oklahoma feels right. Not that Kansas felt wrong; on the contrary, it also felt right – which was part of the problem. But in the end, Oklahoma won out because my primary motivation for returning to Kansas was my 22 year-old son, a freedom-loving Sadge who is busy coming into his own and evidently doesn’t need his loud, stubborn Aries mother much these days. (Or maybe he does, but he doesn’t realize it…who knows?)
That being the case, if by moving back to Kansas my goal would be to see my Archer son more often, it would be pointless. He is understandably preoccupied with building a life for himself; in particular, with the sweetest Leo brunette a mom could ever want for her son. He works, he has a lot of friends, and a variety of interests. My baby boy no longer cries with upraised arms when I leave. He is a grown man, and his mama isn’t much of a priority these days, if she’s even a priority at all. I remind myself often not to take it personally; he certainly isn’t doing any of this with malicious intent. In fact, he is probably blissfully unaware of how much his detachment hurts me. But then my overly-sensitive Pisces Ascendant hijacks my emotions (which it does far too often for my liking) and I dissolve into a puddle of self-pity, crying my eyes out, wondering what I did, what I said, that my firstborn child seems to have forgotten, or even care, that I exist.
Eventually, I realize it is what it is and that this is more than likely just a phase and he will come around sooner or later, both figuratively and literally. (NOTE: this slightly more positive outlook is brought to you by my Aries Sun: always looking for that pinpoint of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.)
In my 40 years on this planet, I have undoubtedly made more than my fair share of mistakes, usually because instead of tuning in to my inner voice, I tend to rationalize my decisions. Lately, however, I have been consciously trying to listen more closely to my intuition (even if that is somewhat of an oxymoron) in an effort to avoid being too cerebral, led by logic alone. It’s not unlike the classic Seinfeld episode, The Opposite, in which George announces that because every decision he has ever made has been wrong, the opposite would have to be right. So he does the opposite of what he would ordinarily do in any situation, and becomes wildly successful, literally overnight – even landing a dream job with the Yankees. (Hmm…perhaps I should adopt this approach; after all, if it worked for Costanza, surely it’d work for me…) But seriously…
I once read an interesting article on decision-making in which the author offered a slightly unorthodox method to discover what it is you really want when you just can’t seem to figure it out. It’s a simple, yet helpful, way that just might surprise you and works best when you are trying to decide between two scenarios; i.e., stay in your present job or go back to school; whether to move to Kansas or move to Oklahoma; etc. Here’s how it works: pick a coin; any coin. Assign one scenario as “heads,” the other as “tails.” Flip the coin. Were you happy with the outcome or were you disappointed? (Best two out of three…okay, best three out of five.) Your reaction should reveal to you relatively quickly how you truly feel about a situation when the answer isn’t so obvious consciously. Give it a try!
By getting into the habit of not only trusting my intuition, but following it, I know I will find a whole new world of opportunities
waiting for me, which in turn will (theoretically) allow me to lead a more satisfying life with (presumably) fewer bad decisions. I listened to my intuition when it insisted I return to Kansas…and I listened to it again when, in Kansas, it pushed me back toward Oklahoma. (Sheesh…I sound as wishy-washy as a damn Libra!) But you know what? The incessant inner chatter has now quieted down…no doubt because (finally), it’s right. If something feels right, brings harm to none, and is doable, I’m just going to make it happen.
If I do, surely, as the late Layne Staley once sang, something’s gotta turn out right.