In the tradition of high school yearbooks that name students as being “most likely to…”, I present to you my Zodiac Yearbook. Enjoy!
Most Likely to Struggle with a Drug or Alcohol Addiction – Pisces Pisceans, who by nature are sentimental, dreamy poets, are also the most likely to suffer from depression (though Cancer runs a close second). Pisces also prefers to view the world through rose-colored glasses, seeing only what they want to see. Drugs and/or alcohol further enable their denial of Real Life. It’s noteworthy that the sign most likely to commit suicide is…you guessed it: Pisces. (A near tie/close second: Cancer.)
Most Likely to Drink Straight from the Milk Carton – Aries If you see a notoriously impatient Ram barrelling in your general direction (they’re quick so it might be a blur), get out of the way. Fast. These folks simply cannot grasp the concept of slow and steady winning the race. In fact, so much so that why on God’s green earth would they dream of wasting up to 45 whole seconds to take a cup out of the cabinet, pour the milk, drink it, put the carton back in the fridge, and take the empty cup to the sink, when they could simply fling open the refrigerator door, remove the cap from the milk carton, take a long, healthy swig, replace the cap, and stick the carton back in the fridge, in seven seconds flat? (And in case you’re wondering, as an Aries, yes…I plead guilty to this offense.)
Most Likely to Be Spotted Roaming the Video Store for an Hour, Trying to Decide What to Rent – Libra It must be sheer hell inside the vacillating mind of a Libra. The example that comes to mind is on a Family Guy episode in which we see Peter agonizing over which DVD to rent: “Ernest Goes to the Beach” or “Ernest Doesn’t Go to the Beach.” It is also ill advised to ask a Libra “paper or plastic?” or “soup or salad?” It’s torturous for them to decide, and even more so for you to watch.
Most Likely to Adopt Every Stray Animal in the Neighborhood – Cancer That homeless mutt or fluffy feline seeking food and/or shelter has hit the motherload by appearing at Cancer’s door. Sensitive, tenderhearted, nurturing Cancer simply cannot say no to an animal. What; Cancer already has 26 dogs, 14 cats, 2 parakeets, an aquarium teeming with marine life, and a hamster or two (or three or four)? Oh what the hell, come on in anyway, lucky stray! Cancer will hook you up!
Most Likely to Become a Serial Killer – Capricorn The moody, methodical, perservering Goat has just what it takes to pull off multiple homicides. Patience is one of their virtues, and we all know, courtesy of just about any of the gazillion forensics shows on TV on a daily basis, a serial killer trips himself up when he’s rushed and unorganized. Patient, plodding, and meticulously organized, Capricorn easily qualifies for an OCD diagnosis and the highest daily dose of Prozac known to man. Cappy has no qualms about waiting as long as necessary, biding his time until the moment is exactly right for his next “project.” He’s a dyed-in-the-wool perfectionist and will double-, triple-, and quadruple-check his “work,” leaving no stone unturned to ensure lack of evidence. Who runs a close second to this murderous Goat? Virgo.
Most Likely to Be Murdered – Virgo If you have a Virgo in your life (my condolences), you probably chuckled at Virgo winning this honor. I mean, really; nag, complain, criticize, piss, moan, bitch. What were you thinking, doing it your way, silly Normal Person, when of course, everyone knows that Virgo knows best. And one of responsible, critical Virgo’s favorite pasttimes is to itemize a list of all your faults with explicit instructions on how to rid yourself of those unbecoming behaviors so that you, too, can bask in the same light of perfection as the Virgo who made the damn list, followed by another list (both lists in alphabetical order, of course) of things you should have done differently (read: done the Virgo Way). But Virgo has unreasonably high standards, so you will find it nearly impossible to ever be up to par in their eyes. The irony here is that Virgo truly believes that by picking apart everything you accomplish like a vulture on roadkill (as in “oh, that’s great! But if you’d done ____ instead, it woulda been better”), it is rarely because they’re a pompous ass: Virgo honestly feels that by pointing out every tiny mistake you make, or dictating how you should undertake a task (which, of course, is how they would do it), they (usually) are simply trying to help you. Nevertheless, when you find yourself on the torturous receiving end of one of Virgo’s “you shoulda done this/ you coulda done that/ if you woulda done this” lectures for about the 900th time, you start losing your mind and eventually come to realize the only real solution is to murder the damn Virgo, which you’ll probably be provoked to do with the closest blunt object within reach, in the midst of one of their long-winded, here’s-how-you-can-be-as-spectacular-as-I sermons, in your understandable heat-of-the-moment fury. Not to worry, however: if any of the jurors in your murder trial has ever had to deal with a Virgo, a verdict of justifiable homicide is all but inevitable.
Most Likely to Sabotage a Beauty Pageant to Work In Their Favor – Leo Is an explanation for this one even necessary? We’re talking about an egomaniacal, limelight-hoarding, thunder-stealing Lion who absolutely must be numero uno at all costs, and anything less is unacceptable. Leo is in it to win it and will exercise any measure to achieve victory…and so what if it’s a little shady? In Leo’s eyes, they deserve to win anyway; rigging a beauty pageant (or any contest, for that matter) is simply a little ego insurance…besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little harmless ballot tampering, right? Right…
Most Likely to Boil Your Bunny – Scorpio You finally mustered up the nerve to have the “we need to talk” talk with the Scorpion you’ve been dating – and wow! – it went really well! You had fully expected your Scorpio to throw a tantrum the likes of which a breakup has never before seen, but to your amazement, she/he is surprisingly agreeable when you sheepishly confess that it “just isn’t working out” and even when you topped it off with that nauseating “it’s-not-you-it’s-me” cliché (it really was them). As the two of you exchange a half-hearted hug, smile, and wish one another well, you’re beyond relieved that your ex-Scorpion took it so well. “That wasn’t bad at all; I don’t know why I was so worried!” you chuckle to yourself as you ride off into the sunset to begin anew, sans Scorpion. Several months pass. Every aspect of your life is going b-e-a-utifully. But lately, you seem to have stumbled into a series of unfortunate events. First it’s your car. You might be tempted to chalk the four slashed tires, the sugar in your gas tank, or the sudden brake failure which sends you careening downhill toward a dense tree row, up to coincidence or bad luck. But shortly thereafter, you just can’t shake the nagging feeling that your coworkers…and your friends…(and your grandmother…and your pastor…and your cat) are snickering behind your back. (You’re actually quite astute; after all, that Photoshopped picture of “you” that has found its way into mass email circulation performing, um, questionable acts with a flaming drag queen is hilarious.) But coming home to find a jack-o-lantern on your front porch with an 8-inch butcher knife stuck in the side of its head with a note attached that says “YOU” – now, that crosses the line. What the deuce could you have ever done to deserve any of this? Ohhhh, that’s right…you made the fatal mistake of breaking off a relationship with a Scorpio. But wait, didn’t you only date for three weeks, eight months ago? Doesn’t matter. It’s a capital offense which, in the mind of a Scorpion, calls for nothing less than cruel and unusual punishment.
Most Likely to Join a Cult – Cancer Oh good lord, this guy again. Where to begin? Cults seek out impressionable, needy folks who are sensitive and frequently vulnerable. Everything a cult leader could possibly desire in a follower is neatly wrapped in an elegant Crab package, complete with a big, bright bow on top. Generally, Cancer doesn’t mind being led. They are loyal beyond question, and just passive enough to be ripe for the cult leader’s picking. Even better: they are extremely family-oriented so they will be sure to bring at least two generations from the Crab family tree along with them when they relocate to your cult compound.
Most Likely to Be a Cult Leader – Aquarius With their eccentricity and forward-thinking ways, Water Bearers make ideal cult leaders. Vulnerable folks desperate for acceptance will find it here, because Aquarius is easily the most tolerant, accepting soul in all of the Land of Zodiac. They’re also uncannily magnetic and, with one well-timed, witty remark, they’ll charm the pants right off of you faster than you can say Waco. Now that Aquarius has convinced you that he is the god (or devil) incarnate, you’re in his clutches and now he can start filling the heads of his eager yes-men and women with whatever pseudoreligious/commie /Nazi/government-overthrowing propaganda or soon-to-come Helter Skelter-esque uprising he has brewing in his mad scientist-like mind, convincing every poor sap who was suckered in by his charm, wit, and intellect that he has all the answers to every question you’ve ever had. So come on, what are you waiting for? Change into the standard blue jogging suit and Nikes that were issued to you upon arrival, then please feel free to help yourself to some of the delicious punch in the big bowl over on the table!
Most Likely to Make Late-Night Purchases on QVC – Taurus A Bull is a sucker for any gadget they believe will make life easier. Just take a gander inside their kitchen cabinets (when no one is around to catch you, of course; Taurus has a routine and may God have mercy on your disorganized soul should you put something back in the wrong place). You’ll probably find a Chop Wizard alongside an Egg Genie, Ronco Food Dehydrator, the Baconator, Ronco Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ, pretty much any gadget labeled “The Ronco,” and no Taurean kitchen is complete without a mini-cupcake maker (because haven’t we all found ourselves lamenting on numerous culinary occasions, “If only there was a way to make tiny cupcakes!”) If the product advertisement boasts “only x number of payments of $19.95” and/or “but wait; there’s MORE!” you can rest assured a Taurus will snatch it up.
Most Likely to Cheat on Their Significant Other – Sagittarius Let’s cut right to the chase: Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter (planet of luck and abundance), is a freedom-loving sign. Jupiter’s influence amplifies that love of/need for freedom exponentially. The quickest way to drive a Sadge out of your house and into the arms of another is to make an ill-advised attempt to control them or launch into a jealous tirade. The Archer tends to take love and fidelity somewhat lightly. This is not to say that every Sadge on Planet Earth has cheated, is currently cheating, or is destined to be a philandering adulterer/adulteress. All it means is that, by nature, a Sadge is particularly predisposed to be a carrier of the zodiac cheating gene.
Most Likely to Lie to You – Libra No one likes a liar. But when Libra feeds you a line of crap, it’s usually not with malicious intent. Libra represents fairness, equality, justice. Let’s say you are friends with a Libra, and your Libra buddy has another friend with whom you don’t happen to get along too well. One day, you and Libra are chatting and you launch into a litany of things that you abhor about Other Friend. Libra not only agrees with your observations and takes your side in the dispute, but also contributes a few snide comments herself. Meanwhile, back at the ranch the next day, Libra is having a convo with Other Friend, who begins to rant to Libra about the umpteen things they hate about you…only this time, Libra sides with Other Friend, chiming in with a rundown of your shortcomings – and wait, what’s this? – Libra and Other Friend are having nearly an identical conversation as the one you just had with Libra a few days ago. While you would be well within your rights to feel betrayed, there’s more to it than that. Libra isn’t two-faced in a malicious way. Libra simply dislikes confrontation and wants everyone to be happy. Libra wants and needs balance (it’s the sign of the Scales). Therefore, in the interest of serenity and never wishing to cause a scene, Libra will simply tell everyone what she thinks they want to hear.
Most Likely to Start an Extensive Home Remodeling Project and Never Finish – Gemini These scatterbrained, hyperactive twins love to be busy, busy, busy. And they’re easily distracted. (Oooh, shiny red ball!) They flit around to and fro, project to project, abandoning one for another as soon as they sense the first painful twinges of boredom, but in the end, most of what they start never really gets completed…unless the poor soul who is their significant other lets out a long sigh, as if to say “oh, great; another half-assed Gemini undertaking I’m stuck finishing. Again.”
In closing, on this day I say to all zodiac signs: you’re not a slave to your Sun sign, or even your natal chart, for that matter. These traits are only tendencies, based on your Sun sign. You’re not at the mercy of being born under a bad sign. Whatever quirk your Sun sign predisposes you to you that you dislike, you have the power to change it. So go out into the world with your held held high, and be the very best Aries / Taurus / Gemini / Cancer / Leo / Virgo / Libra / Scorpio / Sagittarius / Capricorn / Aquarius /Pisces that you can be. Godspeed!