Your Intuition Knows More Than You Do: Are You Listening?

“…I haven’t felt like this in so long
Wrong, in a sense too far gone from love
That don’t last forever
Something’s gotta turn out right.”  
~ “Got Me Wrong,” Alice In Chains

The pull I felt toward Kansas was incredibly powerful. So strong, in fact, that it made each additional day I spent living in Arkansas absolutely torturous. I had an overwhelming desire/need to go back to Kansas. It was clearly my intuition at work, like a toddler I couldn’t ignore, tugging on my sleeve for attention, so I listened and I went, no questions asked. I already intuitively knew the answers anyway.

But as we all know life tends to do from time to time, it threw a wrench into those plans. On our way back to Kansas, at my mom’s insistence, my Taurus kiddo and I spent a few weeks staying at her house north of El Reno, Oklahoma before we headed north to Kansas permanently (or so we thought.)

indecisiveThe thing was, however, as each day of my “temporary” stay in Oklahoma passed, I began to feel a different pull. I felt like I wanted (needed?) to just set up camp right where I was…in Oklahoma. Nevertheless, I ignored my intuition and we ventured on up to Kansas after two weeks, shushing that little inner voice that wanted us to stay in Oklahoma. And sure enough, that nagging toddler was back with a vengeance, tugging on my sleeve for attention. Only this time it seemed to shout “OKLAHOMA!”

So today, here I sit at home in Oklahoma: my motherland (if you wanna be all poetic about it.) Oklahoma feels right. Not that Kansas felt wrong; on the contrary, it also felt right – which was part of the problem. But in the end, Oklahoma won out because my primary motivation for returning to Kansas was my 22 year-old son, a freedom-loving Sadge who is busy coming into his own and evidently doesn’t need his loud, stubborn Aries mother much these days. (Or maybe he does, but he doesn’t realize it…who knows?)

That being the case, if by moving back to Kansas my goal would be to see my Archer son more often, it would be pointless.  He is understandably preoccupied with building a life for himself;  in particular, with the sweetest Leo brunette a mom could ever want for her son. He works, he has a lot of friends, and a variety of interests. My baby boy no longer cries with upraised arms when I leave. He is a grown man, and his mama isn’t much of a priority these days, if she’s even a priority at all. I remind myself often not to take it personally; he certainly isn’t doing any of this with malicious intent. In fact, he is probably blissfully unaware of how much his detachment hurts me. But then my overly-sensitive Pisces Ascendant hijacks my emotions (which it does far too often for my liking) and I dissolve into a puddle of self-pity, crying my eyes out, wondering what I did, what I said, that my firstborn child seems to have forgotten, or even care, that I exist.

Eventually, I realize it is what it is and that this is more than likely just a phase and he will come around sooner or later, both figuratively and literally. (NOTE: this slightly more positive outlook is brought to you by my Aries Sun: always looking for that pinpoint of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.)

When Costanza did the opposite of everything his intuition told him, he found success!

When Costanza did the opposite of everything his intuition told him, he found success!

In my 40 years on this planet, I have undoubtedly made more than my fair share of mistakes, usually because instead of tuning in to my inner voice, I tend to rationalize my decisions. Lately, however, I have been consciously trying to listen more closely to my intuition (even if that is somewhat of an oxymoron) in an effort to avoid being too cerebral, led by logic alone. It’s not unlike the classic Seinfeld episode, The Opposite, in which George announces that because every decision he has ever made has been wrong, the opposite would have to be right. So he does the opposite of what he would ordinarily do in any situation, and becomes wildly successful, literally overnight – even landing a dream job with the Yankees. (Hmm…perhaps I should adopt this approach; after all, if it worked for Costanza, surely it’d work for me…) But seriously…

I once read an interesting article on decision-making in which the author offered a slightly unorthodox method to discover what it is you really want when you just can’t seem to figure it out. It’s a simple, yet helpful, way that just might surprise you and works best when you are trying to decide between two scenarios; i.e., stay in your present job or go back to school; whether to move to Kansas or move to Oklahoma; etc. Here’s how it works: pick a coin; any coin. Assign one scenario as “heads,” the other as “tails.” Flip the coin. Were you happy with the outcome or were you disappointed? (Best two out of three…okay, best three out of five.) Your reaction should reveal to you relatively quickly how you truly feel about a situation when the answer isn’t so obvious consciously. Give it a try!

By getting into the habit of not only trusting my intuition, but following it, I know I will find a whole new world of opportunities

AAAACK!

AAAACK!

waiting for me, which in turn will (theoretically) allow me to lead a more satisfying life with (presumably) fewer bad decisions. I listened to my intuition when it insisted I return to Kansas…and I listened to it again when, in Kansas, it pushed me back toward Oklahoma. (Sheesh…I sound as wishy-washy as a damn Libra!) But you know what? The incessant inner chatter has now quieted down…no doubt because (finally), it’s right.  If something feels right, brings harm to none, and is doable, I’m just going to make it happen.

If I do, surely, as the late Layne Staley once sang, something’s gotta turn out right.

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Pomp and Circumstance: Who’s Who in the Zodiac Yearbook

In the tradition of high school yearbooks that name students as being “most likely to…”, I present to you my Zodiac Yearbook. Enjoy!

Most Likely to Struggle with a Drug or Alcohol Addiction – Pisces   Pisceans, who by nature are sentimental, dreamy poets, are also the most likely to suffer from depression (though Cancer runs a close second). Pisces also prefers to view the world through rose-colored glasses, seeing only what they want to see. Drugs and/or alcohol further enable their denial of Real Life. It’s noteworthy that the sign most likely to commit suicide is…you guessed it: Pisces. (A near tie/close second: Cancer.)

Most Likely to Drink Straight from the Milk Carton – Aries  If you see a notoriously impatient Ram barrelling in your general direction (they’re quick so it might be a blur), get out of the way. Fast. These folks simply cannot grasp the concept of slow and steady winning the race. In fact, so much so that why on God’s green earth would they dream of wasting up to 45 whole seconds to take a cup out of the cabinet, pour the milk, drink it, put the carton back in the fridge, and take the empty cup to the sink, when they could simply fling open the refrigerator door, remove the cap from the milk carton, take a long, healthy swig, replace the cap, and stick the carton back in the fridge, in seven seconds flat? (And in case you’re wondering, as an Aries, yes…I plead guilty to this offense.)

Most Likely to Be Spotted Roaming the Video Store for an Hour, Trying to Decide What to Rent – Libra  It must be sheer hell inside the vacillating mind of a Libra. The example that comes to mind is on a Family Guy episode in which we see Peter agonizing over which DVD to rent: “Ernest Goes to the Beach” or “Ernest Doesn’t Go to the Beach.” It is also ill advised to ask a Libra “paper or plastic?” or “soup or salad?” It’s torturous for them to decide, and even more so for you to watch.

Most Likely to Adopt Every Stray Animal in the Neighborhood – Cancer   That homeless mutt or fluffy feline seeking food and/or shelter has hit the motherload by appearing at Cancer’s door. Sensitive, tenderhearted, nurturing Cancer simply cannot say no to an animal. What; Cancer already has 26 dogs, 14 cats, 2 parakeets, an aquarium teeming with marine life, and a hamster or two (or three or four)? Oh what the hell, come on in anyway, lucky stray! Cancer will hook you up!

Most Likely to Become a Serial Killer – Capricorn   The moody, methodical, perservering Goat has just what it takes to pull off multiple homicides. Patience is one of their virtues, and we all know, courtesy of just about any of the gazillion forensics shows on TV on a daily basis, a serial killer trips himself up when he’s rushed and unorganized. Patient, plodding, and meticulously organized, Capricorn easily qualifies for an OCD diagnosis and the highest daily dose of Prozac known to man. Cappy has no qualms about waiting as long as necessary, biding his time until the moment is exactly right for his next “project.” He’s a dyed-in-the-wool perfectionist and will double-, triple-, and quadruple-check his “work,” leaving no stone unturned to ensure lack of evidence. Who runs a close second to this murderous Goat? Virgo.

Most Likely to Be Murdered – Virgo   If you have a Virgo in your life (my condolences), you probably chuckled at Virgo winning this honor. I mean, really; nag, complain, criticize, piss, moan, bitch. What were you thinking, doing it your way, silly Normal Person, when of course, everyone knows that Virgo knows best. And one of responsible, critical Virgo’s favorite pasttimes is to itemize a list of all your faults with explicit instructions on how to rid yourself of those unbecoming behaviors so that you, too, can bask in the same light of perfection as the Virgo who made the damn list, followed by another list (both lists in alphabetical order, of course) of things you should have done differently (read: done the Virgo Way). But Virgo has unreasonably high standards, so you will find it nearly impossible to ever be up to par in their eyes. The irony here is that Virgo truly believes that by picking apart everything you accomplish like a vulture on roadkill (as in “oh, that’s great! But if you’d done ____ instead, it woulda been better”), it is rarely because they’re a pompous ass: Virgo honestly feels that by pointing out every tiny mistake you make, or dictating how you should undertake a task (which, of course, is how they would do it), they (usually) are simply trying to help you. Nevertheless, when you find yourself on the torturous receiving end of one of Virgo’s “you shoulda done this/ you coulda done that/ if you woulda done this” lectures for about the 900th time, you start losing your mind and eventually come to realize the only real solution is to murder the damn Virgo, which you’ll probably be provoked to do with the closest blunt object within reach, in the midst of one of their long-winded, here’s-how-you-can-be-as-spectacular-as-I sermons, in your understandable heat-of-the-moment fury. Not to worry, however: if any of the jurors in your murder trial has ever had to deal with a Virgo, a verdict of  justifiable homicide is all but inevitable.

Most Likely to Sabotage a Beauty Pageant to Work In Their Favor – Leo   Is an explanation for this one even necessary? We’re talking about an egomaniacal, limelight-hoarding, thunder-stealing Lion who absolutely must be numero uno at all costs, and anything less is unacceptable. Leo is in it to win it and will exercise any measure to achieve victory…and so what if it’s a little shady? In Leo’s eyes, they deserve to win anyway; rigging a beauty pageant (or any contest, for that matter) is simply a little ego insurance…besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little harmless ballot tampering, right? Right

Most Likely to Boil Your Bunny – Scorpio    You finally mustered up the nerve to have the “we need to talk” talk with the Scorpion you’ve been dating  – and wow! – it went really well! You had fully expected your Scorpio to throw a tantrum the likes of which a breakup has never before seen, but to your amazement, she/he is surprisingly agreeable when you sheepishly confess that it “just isn’t working out” and even when you topped it off with that nauseating “it’s-not-you-it’s-me” cliché (it really was them). As the two of you exchange a half-hearted hug, smile, and wish one another well, you’re beyond relieved that your ex-Scorpion took it so well. “That wasn’t bad at all; I don’t know why I was so worried!” you chuckle to yourself as you ride off into the sunset to begin anew, sans Scorpion. Several months pass. Every aspect of your life is going b-e-a-utifully. But lately, you seem to have stumbled into a series of unfortunate events. First it’s your car. You might be tempted to chalk the four slashed tires, the sugar in your gas tank, or the sudden brake failure which sends you careening downhill toward a dense tree row, up to coincidence or bad luck. But shortly thereafter, you just can’t shake the nagging feeling that your coworkers…and your friends…(and your grandmother…and your pastor…and your cat) are snickering behind your back. (You’re actually quite astute; after all, that Photoshopped picture of “you” that has found its way into mass email circulation performing, um, questionable acts with a flaming drag queen is hilarious.) But coming home to find a jack-o-lantern on your front porch with an 8-inch butcher knife stuck in the side of its head with a note attached that says “YOU” – now, that crosses the line. What the deuce could you have ever done to deserve any of this? Ohhhh, that’s right…you made the fatal mistake of breaking off a relationship with a Scorpio. But wait, didn’t you only date for three weeks, eight months ago? Doesn’t matter. It’s a capital offense which, in the mind of a Scorpion, calls for nothing less than cruel and unusual punishment.

Most Likely to Join a Cult – Cancer  Oh good lord, this guy again. Where to begin? Cults seek out impressionable, needy folks who are sensitive and frequently vulnerable. Everything a cult leader could possibly desire in a follower is neatly wrapped in an elegant Crab package, complete with a big, bright bow on top.  Generally, Cancer doesn’t mind being led. They are loyal beyond question, and just passive enough to be ripe for the cult leader’s picking. Even better: they are extremely family-oriented so they will be sure to bring at least two generations from the Crab family tree along with them when they relocate to your cult compound.

Most Likely to Be a Cult Leader – Aquarius   With their eccentricity and forward-thinking ways, Water Bearers make ideal cult leaders. Vulnerable folks desperate for acceptance will find it here, because Aquarius is easily the most tolerant, accepting soul in all of the Land of Zodiac. They’re also uncannily magnetic and, with one well-timed, witty remark, they’ll charm the pants right off of you faster than you can say Waco. Now that Aquarius has convinced you that he is the god (or devil) incarnate, you’re in his clutches and now he can start filling the heads of his eager yes-men and women with whatever pseudoreligious/commie /Nazi/government-overthrowing propaganda or soon-to-come Helter Skelter-esque uprising he has brewing in his mad scientist-like mind, convincing every poor sap who was suckered in by his charm, wit, and intellect that he has all the answers to every question you’ve ever had. So come on, what are you waiting for? Change into the standard blue jogging suit and Nikes that were issued to you upon arrival, then please feel free to help yourself to some of the delicious punch in the big bowl over on the table!

Most Likely to Make Late-Night Purchases on QVC – Taurus   A Bull is a sucker for any gadget they believe will make life easier. Just take a gander inside their kitchen cabinets (when no one is around to catch you, of course; Taurus has a routine and may God have mercy on your disorganized soul should you put something back in the wrong place). You’ll probably find a Chop Wizard alongside an Egg Genie, Ronco Food Dehydrator, the Baconator, Ronco Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ, pretty much any gadget labeled “The Ronco,”  and no Taurean kitchen is complete without a mini-cupcake maker (because haven’t we all found ourselves lamenting on numerous culinary occasions, “If only there was a way to make tiny cupcakes!”) If the product advertisement boasts “only x number of payments of $19.95” and/or “but wait; there’s MORE!” you can rest assured a Taurus will snatch it up.

Most Likely to Cheat on Their Significant Other – Sagittarius   Let’s cut right to the chase: Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter (planet of luck and abundance), is a freedom-loving sign. Jupiter’s influence amplifies that love of/need for freedom exponentially. The quickest way to drive a Sadge out of your house and into the arms of another is to make an ill-advised attempt to control them or launch into a jealous tirade. The Archer tends to take love and fidelity somewhat lightly. This is not to say that every Sadge on Planet Earth has cheated, is currently cheating, or is destined to be a philandering adulterer/adulteress. All it means is that, by nature, a Sadge is particularly predisposed to be a carrier of the zodiac cheating gene.

Most Likely to Lie to You – Libra   No one likes a liar. But when Libra feeds you a line of crap, it’s usually not with malicious intent. Libra represents fairness, equality, justice. Let’s say you are friends with a Libra, and your Libra buddy has another friend with whom you don’t happen to get along too well. One day, you and Libra are chatting and you launch into a litany of things that you abhor about Other Friend. Libra not only agrees with your observations and takes your side in the dispute, but also contributes a few snide comments herself. Meanwhile, back at the ranch the next day, Libra is having a convo with Other Friend, who begins to rant to Libra about the umpteen things they hate about you…only this time, Libra sides with Other Friend, chiming in with a rundown of your shortcomings – and wait, what’s this? – Libra and Other Friend are having nearly an identical conversation as the one you just had with Libra a few days ago. While you would be well within your rights to feel betrayed, there’s more to it than that. Libra isn’t two-faced in a malicious way. Libra simply dislikes confrontation and wants everyone to be happy. Libra wants and needs balance (it’s the sign of the Scales). Therefore, in the interest of serenity and never wishing to cause a scene, Libra will simply tell everyone what she thinks they want to hear.

Most Likely to Start an Extensive Home Remodeling Project and Never Finish – Gemini   These scatterbrained, hyperactive twins love to be busy, busy, busy. And they’re easily distracted. (Oooh, shiny red ball!) They flit around to and fro, project to project, abandoning one for another as soon as they sense the first painful twinges of boredom, but in the end, most of what they start never really gets completed…unless the poor soul who is their significant other lets out a long sigh, as if to say “oh, great; another half-assed Gemini undertaking I’m stuck finishing. Again.”

In closing, on this day I say to all zodiac signs: you’re not a slave to your Sun sign, or even your natal chart, for that matter. These traits are only tendencies, based on your Sun sign. You’re not at the mercy of being born under a bad sign. Whatever quirk your Sun sign predisposes you to you that you dislike, you have the power to change it. So go out into the world with your held held high, and be the very best Aries / Taurus / Gemini / Cancer /  Leo / Virgo  / Libra / Scorpio /  Sagittarius / Capricorn / Aquarius /Pisces that you can be. Godspeed! Continue reading

Shoulda – Woulda – Coulda: The Perils of Having a Pisces Ascendant

“And I’m glad I didn’t know…

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance, I could’ve missed the pain…

But I’d have had to miss the dance.”  ~Garth Brooks, “The Dance”

Ah…some of the most profound lyrics (to me, anyway) of any song ever written. There are endless painful situations in my life to which I’ve applied those words: my divorce, the untimely death of my children’s father, relationship endings…to name just a few.

Those lyrics are also the condensed musical embodiment of what life is like when one has a Pisces Ascendant.

As someone who has been afflicted/cursed/stricken with this dreadful Ascendant, I have an unenviable tendency to look backward, with one foot planted firmly in the past most days…occasionally even one and a half feet! It’s practically a hobby of mine to rehash past events (typically, a failed relationship), as I long for what once was, what could have been, what should never have been, and what I could have done differently. Add to that a forward-thinking Aquarius Moon continually trying to detach me emotionally, throw in one stubborn, impatient Aries Sun who wants what it wants this instant – and not a second later if you know what’s good for you – and you’ve got yourself one perplexed, half-crazy blonde.

Let’s examine this further.

Facebook. A wonderful social media outlet, allowing us to not only keep in touch with family and friends by posting pictures and statuses chronicling the excruciating minutiae of our lives, but to also make like-minded new friends and reunite with old friends. I’ve done all of these things! Right now, in fact, I’m sitting in the home of a Leo girlfriend of mine from middle school, whom I hadn’t seen or been able to locate in 20 years…but finally found again through the magic of Facebook. Just a few hours ago, I spent over an hour and a half on the phone with one of my best friends, a thirtysomething, slightly-insane, Aquarian hippie tree genius, whom I never would have known existed had I not created a Facebook account. Furthermore, I’d probably not know whether or not my firstborn child, a 22 year-old Sadge who rarely keeps in touch with his loopy Aries mother, was even still alive if not for his random status updates and pics on Facebook. So Facebook is, like, the greatest thing since sliced bread. Right? It is…isn’t it? Well, isn’t it?

I’m not so sure about that.

I have found Facebook to have somewhat of a bittersweet taste.

Quite literally, nearly every single event I’ve experienced over the past 15 months – good, bad, or horrific – would never have happened if I hadn’t created a Facebook account. Let’s itemize, shall we?

  • I never would have relocated to Arkansas because I never would have met the Virgo quasi-love interest from Hot Springs who talked me into “coming down and getting a fresh start”
  • I never would have met one of my most treasured best friends, the aforementioned Aquarian tree man, whom I simply cannot fathom not having in my life
  • I never would have briefly reconciled with my Cancer ex-husband, who moved down to Arkansas from West Virginia to be with me again
  • I never would have met another close friend: a storm-chasing, adrenaline junkie Aquarian and his stubborn but oh-so-adorable, spitfire Aries girlfriend…because I met them both on Facebook
  • I never would have enjoyed nearly a year in a cushy office job where (I thought) I could do no wrong…because that was in Arkansas, to where I never would have moved had it not (ultimately) been for Facebook
  • I never would have bought the car I have now…because the aforementioned Virgo of Hot Springs helped me buy it
  • Perhaps most disturbing of all, it is highly unlikely that my 8-year relationship would have ever gone to hell in a handbasket if I had never created a Facebook account

You’re probably asking yourself, “How does she figure that last one?” Allow me to explain.

The relationship I had with my longtime friend-turned-domestic-partner Cancer-cusp was as solid as they come. We were compatible in every way imaginable: emotionally, sexually, you name it. We genuinely enjoyed each other’s company and neither of us had ever been happier in a relationship in our lives. Our downward spiral into the fiery pits of relationship hell coincided (yet wasn’t a coincidence) with my creating a Facebook account. I spent hours upon hours upon hours and then some online, having a fine old time with this new-to-me form of entertainment; by extension, neglecting my significant other, causing him to feel pretty damn insignificant. Somewhat conscious of this, I tried to stress to him I wasn’t deliberately ignoring him. Like a child with a really awesome new toy, I was just preoccupied and I assured him that the new would probably wear off pretty soon. He seemed to understand, but he would still silently brood about it.  I took for granted that he understood that I was just distracted with my new hobby and that it had absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with him. And in case it has to be spelled out, I was never unfaithful to him. Not even close, not even once. No cyber- or real-life cheating; nothing.

Meanwhile, feeling neglected (and rightfully so), my Cancer-cusp began upping his usual daily alcohol intake. He increased his standard 12-pack of beer a night (which never made him act like an ass) up to twice that amount (which usually made him act like an ass.) This served to perpetuate a vicious cycle: I’m online, he feels ignored, he drinks more, I get offline and try to spend time with him, increased alcohol intake causes him to act like a dick, making me not want to be around him, so I head back to play around online, he drinks even more, and round and round it went.

I created my Facebook account in August 2010. Around mid-October 2010, we began our rapid descent into the netherworld. In December 2010 we decided to end it. In January 2011, after eight years together, I moved out.

R.I.P. Best Relationship of My Life: 2003 – 2011. Gone but never forgotten. Primary cause of death: chronic Facebook abuse. Contributing factor: alcoholism.

While I regretfully accept accountability for getting the Facebook ball rolling which resulted in the beginning of the end of our relationship, he also contributed to its demise by dousing our then-struggling relationship with Natural Light. We’re both guilty.

As thankful as I am for the amazing friends I never would have found again/met in the first place, whom I truly do love with all my heart, nothing has been worth losing the love of my life and the plans and dreams we shared. To further add insult to injury, in May 2011, he announced in an angry, strongly-worded text in which he called me everything but a white girl, that I could shove our friendship “up my ass” as well. We haven’t communicated since. Not only did I lose the love of my life, I lost my best friend.

So, would I still create that Facebook account if I had it to do all over again, only with the knowledge I have now, even with all the positive things that have come about through it?

Not a chance. As much as I gained, I lost ten times as much.

I would have gladly missed the dance.

By the Light of the Aquarius Moon

“While [persons with an Aquarius Moon] can be so good at understanding others’ motivations and behaviors, they often lose touch with their own. This happens because they get too caught up in what they want to achieve rather than what is reality.” ~Excerpt from alwaysastrology.com

Ah, yes. My good ol’ Aquarius Moon. Master of emotions, hoarder of secrets. Allowing me to penetrate the impulses of others while, almost mockingly, hiding my own from any possibility of self-discovery. But dammit, by the power of the Aries Sun vested in me, I am hell-bent on not only learning why I do what I do and feel how I feel, but also on how the friggity frack to change it…or, at least how to modify it to work in my favor.

It’s been said that watching an Aquarius (or any Air sign, for that matter) try to make a decision is excruciating. With a Moon in Aquarius, this also applies to me, albeit to a lesser degree. But it’s no less excruciating for those around me to watch (namely, my Taurus-cusp teenage son and my Leo “let’s do it right NOOOWWW!” friend who asks me every three  minutes, “So what’d you decide, Jen?”) And it’s pretty unsettling for me to experience this much hesitation and vacillation from within; repeatedly going back and forth and to and fro and thinking I’ve finally made a decision to, five minutes later, questioning it, starting the whole process all over again.

When I left Arkansas, certain that I’d never be a Razorback in my heart, I felt drawn back to Kansas, where I had left just over a year earlier. Didn’t even question that feeling. “Movin’ back to Kansas,” I happily announced to friends and family (and anyone else who would listen).  However, being born and bred in Oklahoma, where I lived my entire life up until my sojourn north in the name of love to the Sunflower State in 2003, I now find Sooner friends and family are trying to subtley nudge me in their direction:

“Why don’t you just stay here?”

“It’d be great if you moved back to Oklahoma!”

“Dammit Jennifer, JUST STAY THE FUCK HERE!” (that would actually be less of a subtle nudge and more of a violent shove, a la the aforementioned Leo friend)

In  my quest to make the right decision (whatever that means), I’ve weighed the pros and the cons of each state. I’ve asked myself where I would be happier. But those questions have only served to further confuse this blonde Aquarian Moon child, already cursed with an innate propensity toward indecisiveness.

The biggest incentive to move back to Kansas is the close proximity to my firstborn child, a tall, blonde 22 year-old Sagittarius who recently took the leap into domesticity by garnering an apartment with his longtime girlfriend (a lovely brunette Leo). But the truth is – and the truth really does hurt – that although I know, somewhere deep down, my Sadge Son loves his mother, he’s less than eager to have me around. He rarely has time for me or his Taurus-cusp younger brother, citing “we’re doing inventory at work” as his go-to reason (every night for the foreseeable future, though?) while he simultaneously invites his betrothed Leo’s family over for get-togethers as he proudly hones his culinary skills by cooking for the entire brood; or hosts a pay-per-view fight night with friends – his treat. Truthfully, I could live a mile away from him or 160 miles south in Oklahoma, and would probably see my progeny equally as frequently. That, however, is another blog post altogether…and when I find myself tearfully bemoaning the fact that he seems to have a book of excuses at the ready every time I talk to him, and wishing my handsome Archer son wanted to spend time with his mother and other family as much as we want to spend time with him, I know my depressive, moody Pisces Ascendant has managed to finagle its way into the driver’s seat of my emotions again and my eternally optimistic Aries Sun needs to grab the wheel and regain control – fast! It’s all very Cat’s-In-The-Cradle…but I digress. (Another side-effect of being a lunar Aquarian).

Please come back, Aries Sun! My wishy-washy Aquarius Moon needs your split-second decisiveness and my Pisces Ascendant needs your optimism and hope! I need you!

Wherever You Go, There You Are…and Other Tired (But True) Cliches…

April 2011: My heart had been broken wide open by the ending of an 8-year relationship with a man with whom I truly believed I would grow old. He believed it too. Our friends believed it. Our families believed it. My new reality shook me to my very core. And I just needed a distraction. It didn’t matter who or what the distraction was. Anything to keep me from being stagnant, with too much time to think. But most of all, to keep me from feeling. I had an irresistible urge to run away. In retrospect (damn you, 20/20 hindsight!), I now realize I wanted to run away from me, from the unbearably painful emotions I was terrified of letting in.

I thought moving to a new city two states away, and the possibility of a new beginning, would be the distraction to end all distractions.

And oh, it was! Without a doubt. For a minute, anyway…

The problem was, in my finite wisdom, I hadn’t allowed myself to fully experience that pain, to feel. Ergo, I hadn’t healed. I’d merely – if not very creatively and successfully! – delayed the grieving process. Jesus, it really is true – you can run but you can’t hide. And once the newness – of the new city, the new friends, the new job – had worn off, there I was. Emotionally naked. Exposed to the elements. In excruciating, bring-you-to-your-knees, undeniable, gut-wrenching, agonizing pain.

You get the idea.

It was as sudden as if I had awakened sober in a strange place after a wild night of partying. I thought, “What the hell am I doing here?”

And then, I just wanted to go home.

The problem was, where was home?

I knew “home” wasn’t where I was at the time, two states away from where I started. I mean, sure, technically it was: I had a physical address where I received mail, parked my car, kept my belongings, prepared meals for my son and myself, hung my proverbial hat, and went to sleep at night (that is, when it wasn’t eluding me, which it usually was). It was my physical home.

But it wasn’t home in my heart.

I decided I would follow my instincts. My instinct was drawing me back to where I began, nearly 14 months earlier. I listened, and I went. The first night back, as my son and I stayed with friends, I walked outside around midnight and just stood there, completely content in the moment, gazing up at the velvety black prairie sky, dotted with tiny twinkling stars.

My friend walked outside. “Hey, you okay?” he asked.

“Oh yeah. I’m great. I’m home.”Image